The love of your life is leaving forever...

I have been thinking about this lately: what’s the right thing to do when the love of your life is leaving you forever.  You love this person with all your heart – whatever ‘love’ may mean.  If you love someone as much as you love your life, do you let them go?  You love them to the point where you’re willing to sacrifice your happiness for theirs, to the point where their happiness is all that matters to you.  Or, is it the other way around?  You love this person with every ounce of your body that you’re willing to hold onto them, to protect them, and fight to prove your love.

The man I want to spend the rest of my life with...

The other day, I was reading some blogs and its topic really drew my interest: the kind of man who I would want to fall in love with and spend the rest of my life with.  Before any of you can argue that you can’t control who you fall in love with, I just want to say that yes, I agree.  You cannot control who you are drawn to and have feelings for but I believe you can control who you spend your time with.  And, that makes all the difference.

I guess...I should take a few steps back and share this: last Wednesday, my school had a guest speaker.  The guest speaker’s message was that we, particularly women, should respect ourselves before anyone else.  We should learn to love ourselves for who we are and not fall victim to peer pressure.  We should not let any man invade our personal space just for us to get accepted; in fact, we should not let any man invade our personal space regardless of the reason.  We need to accept and respect ourselves first and foremost.  We are ‘princesses’ and we all deserve a ‘prince’; a man who respect and accept us for who we are.

Too often, we (women) go out of our way to fit in and look attractive to that one boy who isn’t worth our efforts at all.  Too often, women change who they are and lose their identity for that one boy who only wants to get into their pants.  For this generation, it is so difficult to encourage girls and women to be who they are and not fall victim to peer pressure.  It is extremely difficult because of the way women’s image is portrayed in media and, books and films like Twilight.  All of these just send the wrong message to girls – they tell girls that they should dress and act in a certain way to gain the attention of men and jealousy of other girls AND that it is okay to want to die for the boy you love.  On all levels, it’s just wrong.

Every girl has an ideal man; some want a prince charming and some want a knight-in-shining-armor.  As for me, I don’t want either of those.  I want to fall in love and spend the rest of my life with my equal.  I want to fall in love with a man who sees me as his equal on all levels; a man who appreciates my values and beliefs, accepts my strengths and weaknesses, supports my dreams and goals, understands my ignorance and interests, and, above all else, enjoys my company.  I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who sees me as an equal and not of inferior status; someone who respects me on all levels and embraces my rights as a human being as he embraces his.  I don’t need a prince charming or a knight-in-shining-armor to save me and take me to happily-ever-after; instead, I want a man who treats me as his equal to support, respect, and love me for all that I am.  I don’t want a man who will do everything for me; I want a man who encourages me to try harder and when I fall, he’s not going to just pick me up – he’s going to make me get up myself with his words of support.

This is something that I’ve always held since middle school: I want to fall in love and spend the rest of my life with a man who has a dream and/or goal in life.  I believe that when a man does not have a goal or dream for him to chase after, he’s somewhat lost in life; he has no ambition and motivation.  He has no path.  Therefore, I want a man who has an ambition, who has something he wants in life, who has something that he’s willing to fight for, who has something that he’s willing to sacrifice for, who has something that he’s willing to chase after, who has something that he’s willing to live his life for…  Basically, I want a man who appreciates the beauty of breathing and living, loves life to the fullest, and does not – for one second – take life for granted.

And together, we will be each other’s support system and each other’s best friend.  That’s the kind of man I want to fall in love with and spend the rest of my life with.

Loneliness does kill.

For the first time in three months, under grey skies and meshed between the end-of-summer breeze, I found myself walking on campus.  With my twelve-year-old torn up mechanical pencil in my backpack, my iPhone playing ballads in my pocket, and my earphones in my ears, I felt as if time was to stop at that very moment, I would be okay with it.  After all, I do love my campus: from the rusty trees scattered throughout campus to the broken cracks on the sidewalks, from the roof of the highest building to the dirtiest basement of the oldest building on campus, from the shy wobbly ducks to the 'people-friendly' squirrels - I really do love my campus.  All it took was four years.

But as I was walking, I couldn't help but feel a bit sad - lonely, melancholy.  It was a very strange feeling to me, one I haven't felt before.  It was like...I knew the campus yet at the same time, I felt like a stranger to the campus.  All of the sudden, the campus seemed way larger than it was for me the last four years; the trees seemed taller and more in numbers, the road seemed wider, and the benches seemed longer.  It seemed so strange that I just stopped.  I just stopped walking.  I looked to my right, then to my left, then behind me.

Empty.

This road that I took was empty.  No one was biking or walking by.  It was just the trees, the benches, the cracked road, the buildings, the grey sky, the mellow breeze, and me.  And at that very moment, when I realized that there was just me and the trees and the benches and the cracked road and the buildings and the grey sky and the mellow breeze, I realized how lonely I was, how lonely I am.

Sure, you can say that I was lonely because I was walking by myself but if you have never experienced loneliness, I'm not just talking about physical loneliness, it would be hard for you to understand the pain that accompanies that internal loneliness.  It was as if something inside of me had died and with it, my desire to live.  It was as if I was going to live forever and after living for so long, I will have nothing to look forward to.  It was as if my heart was no longer beating and all that's left is an empty vessel.  This was the loneliness that I felt at that very moment.  This is the loneliness that I'm talking about; the loneliness that will mentally torment me and eventually kill me.

And that's what I'm afraid of.  I know that I'm not courageous enough nor strong enough to fight that loneliness.  So, when that loneliness comes creeping up on me, I know really well that I will give in to it.  And that's what I'm afraid of; I'm afraid because I know that I am capable of just giving in.

Growing up

I think it's safe to say that we're all a little afraid to grow up. Sure, growing up means more privileges: owning a car, living outside of your parents' roof, clubbing until two in the morning with no curfew, making your own money, access to R-rated films, satisfying your personal desires, and best of all...drinking like there's no tomorrow. All these are great...but they come at the price of something greater: in order to grow up, we must let go of our childhood essence. I don't mean that we have to stop being a kid or stop having fun or stop being silly at times. I just mean...the "essence" of childhood: the having-no-worries-and-responsibility-of-whatsoever. I love being an adult as much as the next guy but there is much more to it than just freedom. Growing up means letting go of retarded excuses, knowing that I'm not living my life for just me, being a support body to those I love, thinking of all the possibilities before acting, setting out to achieve my goal, not letting go of those things and people that are dearest to me, having fun but knowing the place and time for it, learning to be patient, and much much more.

You don't want to grow up? You want to stay as a child in the body of grown man/woman? Sure, go ahead but I think that's just ridiculous. Having a big head and small body or small head and big body is disproportional but that's okay because you have no control over that. But...acting like a kid all the time in a grown body is just plain annoyingly disproportional.

As breathing beings, we're bound to grow up at some point - whether we are ready for it or not. And when we do have to, we just have to go along with it, being the best that we can at it. And yes, majority of us are afraid to grow up because growing up means SO much more than just the height of our body, the size of our feet, or the wrinkles on our face.

I'll admit that I do want to be a youngster again - be that eleven-year-old whose biggest worries were wearing the correct uniform and colors to school, making sure I had enough tissues prepared for school since I constantly had a running nose, and remembering where I had placed my homework the night before...

Really?

For as long as I can remember "good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people".  Karma: a pretty phonetically simple two-syllable word.  But it sure is a complicated belief, concept, idea, or whatever you would call it.

Since birth, my parents have really been big on that Karma idea, especially my dad.  To him, it was always "you have to practice being a good person in order to receive good things in life".  Having this belief instilled in me from birth, I grew up with this belief close to heart and mind likewise.  Never have I questioned this Karma thing.  To me, it was simple: do good things, get good things...do bad things, get bad things.  Simple.

But I've just realized that this Karma thing is not as simple as 1 plus 1 equals 2.  It's not like learning the ABC's or memorizing the names and location of all 50 states.  It's not just reading a novel and laying out literary elements or learning the laws of thermodynamics and applying it.  It's much more complicated and confusing.

Good things don't always happen to good people.  Bad things don't always happen to bad people.  But isn't "good" and "bad" subjective?  Sure, for big crimes like murdering or raping...that's obviously "bad".  But what if...the murderer murdered the person who killed his family?  Would the murderer still be considered a "bad" person?  Or would the murderer be considered a "good" person?

Karma...it was one of the number one things I was taught growing up.  Never have I ever thought of questioning it.  But today, I do.  Do bad people really get punished for their actions?  Do all evil-doers get tortured physically and emotionally until they are bloodily beaten down?  Do all good people get rewarded with a financially stable career and a loving significant other, kids and families? I don't think so...