I admit.

I admit.  I must be going through some kind of spiritual quest for self discovery or self understanding or something along those lines at this age and time in my life - I can't point out what it is (I'm picking up nonfiction books for the sake of just wanting to read and learn!).  It makes somewhat sense for me to be questioning myself as an individual a part from society and apart of society.  But my questioning goes farther and more intimate...beyond the boundaries of society; of the self.

Why am I here...in this place and time, physically?  In the entire history of human existence, why do I exist in this small time and space - that makes up only a millimeter of human history?  Why not exist a hundred years ago?  A thousand years ago?  Heck, why not caveman era?  I'm not saying that I hate the modern world that I live in (in fact, I love this advanced technological world); I'm only wondering why I am placed in this time frame.  Would I be a different person, intellectually and personally, if placed in a different space and time...say, Mesopotamian era?  Would I still possess the same attributions and impulses?

One thing that has always been on my mind for as long as I can remember is: why am I the person who I am, physically and mentally?  I'm not talking about being respectful to elders because I was raised to respect my elders.  No.  I'm talking about something that extends beyond being cultured and raised in a certain way.  I'm talking about the internal self: the fact that we only know our self (to an extent).  We only know what we are doing at this moment, where we are at this moment and how we came to be wherever we are at this moment.  We pass life thinking that we are the main character of Life because everything we do, everywhere we go...we seem to be the center of attention.

After sharing this with a close friend, he got me thinking about other...wonders (if I can call it wonder).

Extending from my former confusion, I'm now thinking how strange Time and Space works.  It is awe-intriguing to realize that we may all exist in the same time and space, connecting us to one another; yet, at the same time, we are totally disconnected from each other!  Lets say...you live in a 146 unit apartment complex.  All the units are occupied with tenants, one being yourself.  You are connected to all 145+ tenants by the fact that you all exist in the same time and space; you're all part of this entity.  Yet, strange enough, you all are simultaneously disconnected from each other by the fact that each of those 145+ tenants lead completely different lives from you.  You all share the same time and space yet, you are completely ignorant of those whom you share time and space with.  Why is that?

All this running around in circles will just keep me running around in circles faster and faster.  And when I'm out of breath and have to rest or when I trip and fall, I slowly get back up and run again - in the same circumference.  I know it is beyond my intellectual capacity to answer these questions but what I can at least do is try to understand, or get a glimpse, of my existence.  Right?  Am I allowed to have at least that much of an understanding?  Or will that be questioning beyond the boundaries of human knowledge - beyond what humans can know?

Honestly speaking...I think I'm just confused and lost.  What is it that I am do to now that I am graduating?  Get marry and create a family?  Travel and see the world?  Earn a living by working day to day for the rest of my life?  Patiently wait until I die?  Is that what awaits me at the end?  As I make my way across the stage, am I blindly walking towards long years of physical labor and emotional struggles?