Really?

For as long as I can remember "good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people".  Karma: a pretty phonetically simple two-syllable word.  But it sure is a complicated belief, concept, idea, or whatever you would call it.

Since birth, my parents have really been big on that Karma idea, especially my dad.  To him, it was always "you have to practice being a good person in order to receive good things in life".  Having this belief instilled in me from birth, I grew up with this belief close to heart and mind likewise.  Never have I questioned this Karma thing.  To me, it was simple: do good things, get good things...do bad things, get bad things.  Simple.

But I've just realized that this Karma thing is not as simple as 1 plus 1 equals 2.  It's not like learning the ABC's or memorizing the names and location of all 50 states.  It's not just reading a novel and laying out literary elements or learning the laws of thermodynamics and applying it.  It's much more complicated and confusing.

Good things don't always happen to good people.  Bad things don't always happen to bad people.  But isn't "good" and "bad" subjective?  Sure, for big crimes like murdering or raping...that's obviously "bad".  But what if...the murderer murdered the person who killed his family?  Would the murderer still be considered a "bad" person?  Or would the murderer be considered a "good" person?

Karma...it was one of the number one things I was taught growing up.  Never have I ever thought of questioning it.  But today, I do.  Do bad people really get punished for their actions?  Do all evil-doers get tortured physically and emotionally until they are bloodily beaten down?  Do all good people get rewarded with a financially stable career and a loving significant other, kids and families? I don't think so...

I admit.

I admit.  I must be going through some kind of spiritual quest for self discovery or self understanding or something along those lines at this age and time in my life - I can't point out what it is (I'm picking up nonfiction books for the sake of just wanting to read and learn!).  It makes somewhat sense for me to be questioning myself as an individual a part from society and apart of society.  But my questioning goes farther and more intimate...beyond the boundaries of society; of the self.

Why am I here...in this place and time, physically?  In the entire history of human existence, why do I exist in this small time and space - that makes up only a millimeter of human history?  Why not exist a hundred years ago?  A thousand years ago?  Heck, why not caveman era?  I'm not saying that I hate the modern world that I live in (in fact, I love this advanced technological world); I'm only wondering why I am placed in this time frame.  Would I be a different person, intellectually and personally, if placed in a different space and time...say, Mesopotamian era?  Would I still possess the same attributions and impulses?

One thing that has always been on my mind for as long as I can remember is: why am I the person who I am, physically and mentally?  I'm not talking about being respectful to elders because I was raised to respect my elders.  No.  I'm talking about something that extends beyond being cultured and raised in a certain way.  I'm talking about the internal self: the fact that we only know our self (to an extent).  We only know what we are doing at this moment, where we are at this moment and how we came to be wherever we are at this moment.  We pass life thinking that we are the main character of Life because everything we do, everywhere we go...we seem to be the center of attention.

After sharing this with a close friend, he got me thinking about other...wonders (if I can call it wonder).

Extending from my former confusion, I'm now thinking how strange Time and Space works.  It is awe-intriguing to realize that we may all exist in the same time and space, connecting us to one another; yet, at the same time, we are totally disconnected from each other!  Lets say...you live in a 146 unit apartment complex.  All the units are occupied with tenants, one being yourself.  You are connected to all 145+ tenants by the fact that you all exist in the same time and space; you're all part of this entity.  Yet, strange enough, you all are simultaneously disconnected from each other by the fact that each of those 145+ tenants lead completely different lives from you.  You all share the same time and space yet, you are completely ignorant of those whom you share time and space with.  Why is that?

All this running around in circles will just keep me running around in circles faster and faster.  And when I'm out of breath and have to rest or when I trip and fall, I slowly get back up and run again - in the same circumference.  I know it is beyond my intellectual capacity to answer these questions but what I can at least do is try to understand, or get a glimpse, of my existence.  Right?  Am I allowed to have at least that much of an understanding?  Or will that be questioning beyond the boundaries of human knowledge - beyond what humans can know?

Honestly speaking...I think I'm just confused and lost.  What is it that I am do to now that I am graduating?  Get marry and create a family?  Travel and see the world?  Earn a living by working day to day for the rest of my life?  Patiently wait until I die?  Is that what awaits me at the end?  As I make my way across the stage, am I blindly walking towards long years of physical labor and emotional struggles?

I've returned (after 2 years)

2 years and I'm back.

It took me 2 years to pick up this blog again.
It took me 2 years to write again.
It took me 2 years to finally accept that people will change with time.

In 2 years, a person can go from being your can't-live-without-friend to being your can't-stand-living-with-stranger. Strange, huh? What 2 years can do...

Nonetheless, we move on.
People will come and go. On this long and tiring but adventurous and beautiful road we call "life", we make frequent stops to greet and meet people as we travel along. For a while, they walk with us on this winding road. But eventually, they will leave us and take a different path - their own path - leaving us alone, afraid and sad. But somehow, we find the courage to continue. And maybe that's what makes life so wonderful and mysterious. No matter how alone or afraid or sad we are, we somehow walk on...

It's funny how some people pretend to be your friends on one page and the next thing you know, they are bashing you indirectly on another page. I tell myself this is nothing, just some so-call 'friends'. I shouldn't get myself worked over these nonsensical words. Yet, at the end of the day, my head is filled with every hurtful words aimed at me, done by just one so-call 'friend'.

Just another fangirl...

I'm such a hypocrite. Probably the hugest one that I know of. Years back, I was so mean to those society call "fangirls". I laughed at them. I teased them. I hated their definite obsession. But look at me now. I've become one of "them". I giggle like a little kid just watching them fool around. I scream like a baby watching them perform on stage. I wake up with their image in my head. I constantly look at my watch, waiting for lecture to end. I find every possible little thing to do at work, just so time will pass by so much quicker. I rush home and don't even feel the need to eat dinner. Instead, I open my laptop and just let their smiles, laughter, and voices take me elsewhere. I go to bed with their image fresh in my head. And that is how I pass my day, with only them in my head. Talk about obsession much?

Coming to love them, I've come to learn so much more about myself and life. Loving them, I've come to learn what it means to patiently wait for someone, to accept a person for all their flaws, to always keep the faith. But most importantly, loving them has taught me the meaning of loving someone wholeheartedly and unconditionally; to love someone, and not wanting anything in return.

That's what my boys have taught me, and for that, I am forever grateful and will patiently wait for them.